Do not wear stockings when bar hopping. Do not wear a work dress when bar hopping.  If you wear stockings and a work dress when bar hopping because you didn’t think to change after attending a work conference, you will end up sweating bullets because you refuse to take off your leather jacket in an effort to retain a semblance of cool-factor.

You will realize that, although your dress is an adorable yellow piece from Anthro, you are not Zooey Deschanel, and no one will think that your conservative-necklined, long-hemmed dress is cute because they will be too busy trying to figure out whose grandma you are.

Your stockings (Tights? Hose? There is no attractive name for them.) were perfectly fine half an hour ago when you were rocking the network game but are not going to stay up very well when you’re party-rocking.

You will be in the middle of dancing with a cute guy who is totally a Darren Criss look-alike if you squint in the intoxicated haze of the dimly lit dance floor, and you’ll attempt to pull them up discreetly while trying to look like you’re “adjusting” the bottom of your jacket.

You will not be successful.

You will have no idea where the bathroom is, and you will keep a safe, two-foot distance between yourself and Darren. He will think that you are declining to dance with him because you are a prude, when, in reality, you are only dressed like one.